If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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