24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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