woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
