Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
