im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
