She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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