You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
