Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
literally had 100 drinks last night.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
