i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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