Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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