Midget sex pt 2 tonight
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
