Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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