I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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