i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
