Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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