You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
pray to the hookup gods
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
