So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
