dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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