I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
