She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
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Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
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Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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