I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
