Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
