Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
