I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
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