I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
