these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
