i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
