Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
