I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
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