If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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