I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
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