i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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