i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
we're making bets on your personal life
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
