I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
