Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Randomize
