Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Randomize
