Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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