he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Randomize
