I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Randomize
