I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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