This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
