i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
