I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
