She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
