I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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