There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
