Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
