Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
