I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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