I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
