When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Randomize
