either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Randomize
