I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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