So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
i believe in u and ur pee
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
