The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
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