just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
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