yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
