My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Randomize
