he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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