we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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