He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Just invented taco cereal.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
